Warning: this post may contain language that is not suitable for younger audiences, or those who are easily offended by less than polite conversation. It may at times seem sarcastic and flippant, but you had to be on this last tour to understand what you are about to read. So if you are a mother and think of your children as those perfect little angels you put to bed at age three, or are easily offended or you don’t like sarcasm please stop reading, and return to regularly scheduled programming. Names have been changed to protect the guilty Thank you. Also: If you have poor decision making skills to begin with, please don’t take anti-histimies and consume alcohol.
You know, It is pretty sad when you have to lie to your Mother to go on a wine tour. Yes, we love our mothers so much that we want to spare them the anxiety of worrying about us. Either that or we just don’t want to have to deal with their crap.
Our last tour was one for the scrap book, or the scrap heap, depending on your point of view. It was like taking the cast of Saturday Night Live around to drink wine; not the lame SNL of the 80s, after Eddie Murphy left, but the crew who came out of Second City Television (SCTV). Seriously, the jokes and pun-filled sarcasm flowed (you have to be careful using this word; you’ll see why in a moment) from beginning to end.
It’s a different experience when you pick people up one at a time, as opposed to all at once. The dynamic steadily changes as another tour goer gets magical tour bus. Once we reached critical mass the fun began in Earnest. (contemplating an “Earnest Goes on a Wine Tour” joke)
Our guests this tour were stars of the bloggosphere (at least in their own minds) Betty White fans, and mediaphiles to a tee. The obscure movie references, and potty jokes made for a funny combination. I don’t know who was more entertained by the ride out and around the Sunny Slope; them or me. When I got back my sides were slightly sore.
I’m not allowed to make dead cat jokes. One of the crew, dressed in all in black, mourned for her cat, who had been maliciously run over, in front of her very eyes, sobbed most of the way. We helped her drown that bitter sorrow in several of Idaho’s award winning wines. I hope that doesn’t give you away too much Palmyra and Juliette, but I want to extend my condolences to you for the tragic loss of Mr. Fuzzysack. He’s in a better place.
Back to the tour. We started out at Martin Fujishin’s place. The late harvest was a big hit. Martin gave them the 60 second version of Wine Tasting for Dummies. Now that our guests had a proper training they were ready to enjoy the rest of the day, and I knew I wouldn’t be embarrassed by their noobness. With pinkies extended, noses in the air, and after several restroom stops in between (Did you wash your hands Darla?), we headed over to the Orchard House for Lunch.
Menstruation jokes at lunch are interesting. All it took was one word, “flow,” and they were off and running with it. Of course one of them had to order the Mad Cow Burger (the original medical term for PMS; minus the burger part, until the beef industry trade marked it). They shared a bottle of the Soft Red, which strangley enough is a wine from Ste. Chapelle, our next stop.
The place was quite busy. The hangers-on who had joined at lunch, Marvin and Yvette (wink, wink) did the old splash and dash. What would their mothers say to that. Luckily, I have another tour today so I’ll make amends for your transgressions. For shame and for sooth. That’s a lot of hail-marys and our fathers, especially because you were in the house of a Saint.
Then it was on to Bitner Vineyards. Senior Cuervo(a tour patron, not the burro driving tequila maker), particularly enjoyed the reds and snobbishly staved off the whites. The rest of the crew put him in a Time Out, as we all moseyed out to the deck for group pictures and the spectacular view.
You can tell as a tour guide that you’re really dealing with shut-ins when fun things in the van consist of “Name the Tom Hanks Movies.” My personal favorite is Bachelor Party. Okay, I admit I’m a shut-in too. You got me. They were rather astute for media junkies. Senior Cuervo asked about my stock tour lines, like the one I use when I pull in to Koenig. There’s a Johnny-on-the spot clearly visible when you pull into the orchard that surrounds the place. I like to tell people that’s the tasting room. “It looks small, but is much bigger once you’re inside.”
They loved the Huckleberry Vodka Greg and Andrew Koenig are famous for, as well as a great selection of their reds and whites. I pulled another illusion sticking my arm right through the center of the willow tree in Koenig’s parking area. They were more impressed by the automatic doors on the mini-van though. I swear, every time I opened them with the key fob, they asked me, “How’d you do that?”
They started complaining that they were hungry again as I was about to head over to Indian Creek, so I turned the wine tour around and we went back to The Orchard House for a second helping of their fabulous menu items, two more bottles of Soft Red, several more bathroom breaks, a couple more menstruation jokes, and partridge in a pear tree. Something, something, something… complete.
Thanks you guys, I cant wait for the album to come out, and thanks for the cover art.
Disclaimer: The views expressed in this blog post are solely those of the tour guide, and in no way reflect the views of Idaho Winery Tours, any of the above mentioned wineries, or their affiliates. Nor do we condone lying to your mother.